Loneliness Is Such Sweet Sorrow
by mishelliot
Summary: "Isn't there anyone to talk to me?" "There's me." "Who are you?" "The man inside your head."
1. Caged Boy

**Hi everyone! This is my first multi-chapter story! I hope to update either every night, or every other night:D Anyways, it's an AU where Mana never died, and basically his descent into an even deeper madness since finding out Allen would be turning into Neah. Oh and Allen starts out as a ten year old in this but progressively gets older. Man, I hope you guys love it~**

**Disclaimer: I do not own -Man, sadly enough. Murrr!**

"_Get rid of him! Who could ever want a monster like that?"_

"_He is our son! We have to keep him."_

"_You hate him just as much as I do! Just get rid of him."_

"…_I know but…alright. Hopefully he'll die unnoticed on the streets."_

"Mommy…? Daddy…?" A small boy awoke with a start from his makeshift bed of straw and raggedy cloth, older than the dust gathering on the cracked window next to him. The child lifted his hand up to his face for a moment, feeling his cheeks that were raw from his salty tears. "Did I cry while I was asleep?" The child looked downward, his body trembling with grief as he sighed. "At least Mana cares for me." He paused, looking at the bars that caged him inside the bantam quarters. "I think."

"I've finally found you, Neah! My beloved brother! You've come back to me after 35 years of waiting! But why must you have come back in the form of some ignorant street urchin? No, no. That's not what matters. You'll be taking over Allen soon enough. I have to remember that. I just have to make sure nothing happens to the brat until then." The clown looked at the hidden doorway concealing the cell-like room young Allen Walker was concealed in, while taking a sip of some cheap wine he found in the garbage earlier that evening. "The only way he'll be able to get out of there is if his innocence activates, and he uses it to break the bars that surround the interior of the room. But I'll make sure that won't happen." Mana eyed the axe hanging on the wall. "I'll just have to cut off his arm if the time comes. Anything to ensure my Neah will come back to me!" The man took another sip of his wine, slowly his mind drifting off into a drunken sleep.

"_How about you come with me when I leave here tomorrow?"_

"_No way, you're some creepy old man I just met! What kind of dumbass do you take me for? I'm 7, not a newborn!"_

"_I'm not old. One day I woke up and I was a middle-aged man. I'm seventeen. I don't know how it happened, but it did."_

"_You're crazy."_

"_Maybe. So are you coming with me, or are you going to get beat up by Cosimo some more?"_

"…_I…I guess I'll come with you. But only because I'm sick of Cosimo's shit."_

"_My, my. We must do something about that rude mouth of yours."_

"_Shut the hell up."_

_For the first time of his life, Allen smiled._

"That's right. Mana saved me from Hell. The constant beatings at the circus…not knowing where I was sleeping that night, or when the next time I was eating was going to be. The stares and screams as people saw my arm. He's fucking crazy, but he's the only person who thought of me as a kid, and not a monster. Of course he cares about me. He locked me in here to keep me safe!" The young silvette, (though unknown to him why his hair was white, it's because his body tried to reject Neah's soul, but failed, and the stress of the ordeal was too great) grasped at one of the rusting bars. "Even with Mana as my company…it gets so lonely being stuck here." Allen sat back down on the floor. "Isn't there anyone to talk to me?"

"_There's me."_

The child jumped. "Wh-Who the hell are you?" Panic was quite easily heard in his voice.

"_The man in your head."_

**And we are done! Sorry the first chapter was so short, but the next part wouldn't fit in with this chapter! Some may ask why Allen is locked in a cage. Well tune in for the next chapter and you'll find out!:D**


	2. The Truth

**Chapter 2 you guys! Thank you for the nice review:D ((You know who you are!)) It actually helped me with the future parts of the story! Welp, I hope you enjoy! Oh. This chapter is rated M for intense gore, but I'm not changing the overall rating since I don't plan on this story to be only blood and guts!**

"Wh-What do you mean by that? There is no man in my hand! It's just me! It's always been just me." The silvette's eyes grew watery. His body began shaking with fear. Was this guy going to hurt him? What did he want from the small boy? Why was in he in the child's head in the first place?

"_There is no need to be worried, my child. I am your friend. My name is Neah Walker."_

Allen's eyes lit up. "Walker…? But that's…"

"_Mana's last name? Yes. He is my older brother."_

Allen's heart began beating at a faster pace. Mana never said anything about a brother. Actually, Mana never said anything about his life before he met Allen. Whenever he would ask, the clown's eyes glazed over a bit. Then he would look the boy straight in the eye and say "Past? I have no past. I live for the future."

"_Close your eyes."_

"Wha-what? No! You're just my mind playing tricks because I'm lonely." The child stood up, and spit on the ground. "Leave me alone!"

"_Close your eyes, Allen. I want to show you something."_

Skepticism arose in Allen's mind. "What?"

"_Just close your eyes."_

"God damn it, you're so annoying! Fine."

The stripling closed his eyes, only to find an entire world hiding behind them. Luscious green hills surrounded him on every angle, small flowers protruding from the fields. A warm summer's wind blew hot kisses on Allen's neck, and tussled his white hair. His eyes widened. "Wow…it's…beautiful!" Just as the words left his lips, the scenery began to change. Blood started to rain from the sky. The familiar scent of death was fresh in the air. Grass turned too cobblestone, and cobblestone morphed into buildings unfit for life. A man appeared from the shadows. Messy black hair surrounded the guy's face, his skin an ashy grey, heavily marred with scars of war. However, the most noticeable feature of him was his stunning yellow eyes. They had the cunning of a conman, but enough sadness for a lifetime embedded in them. This man was Neah Walker. "Hello Allen." An insincere smile slipped across Neah's face. "Are you wondering where we are?" The child simply nodded. He was at a loss for words. His mind was too busy processing the fact he was surrounded by unseen corpses. "This is the scene of your parent's murder." At this the boy fell to the ground. "No..what are you talking about? My parents threw me away right after I was born! They weren't murdered!" The young silvette looked down, in an act to reassure himself. But what he saw was more horrible than he could bare. To the left of him laid a young woman. Her long, raven black hair hid most of her body. Or what was left of it at least. Her grisly remains were split in three. The young woman's head was severed from the body, her lifeless blue eyes plucked from their sockets. Her chest and arms had deep cuts going across the entire length of them. Her legs seemed to be gnawed off, only leaving two meaty stubs at the bottom of her pelvis. Strangely enough, she was wearing a bright grin. "Mommy….?" Next to her laid a man, maybe a year or so older than the woman. He had curly, chocolate colored hair, and the same piercing grey eyes as Allen. At first glance nothing seemed to be wrong with him. After a few seconds though, the dark red spot staining his shirt could be seen. Further investigation revealed it was a hole, right where the man's heart had been. It was as if someone ripped out the beating heart from the man. He too, was wearing the same eerie grin as the woman, his wife. "Daddy….?" In between both of them was a baby boy. His face was covered in his parent's blood. The child was screaming. "Is that…." Terror struck Allen's heart. "Is that me? I don't understand. Wh-Why are they with me? The child in this memory is me….but they got rid of me when I was much younger than this. Is this some kind of sick joke?" Neah frowned. "This is no joke. Your parents loved you very much. They were murdered protecting you." Disgust creeped to the edge of the man's eyes. Allen's cracked. "Protect me from…who? Who the hell could ever do something as horrible as this?" The scent of rotting flesh was too much for the boy at this point. He puked. "Tell me who did this!"

"Are you sure you want too know?"  
"Who the hell was the one responsible for orphaning me? Who was responsible for the years I spent alone on the streets? I was raped, beaten, and tortured. All because I was a homeless kid with this damned paralyzed arm. WHO CAUSED ME TO LIVE IN HELL FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE?"

Neah grabbed the boy's hand. Pity and sympathy, along with many other emotions were swirling in his face.

"It was my brother."

"No. NO! He would neve-" Neah cut in.

"Mana is the one responsible for your parent's death."

**Ooooo! Cliffhanger you guys! Tune in for the next chapter! And sorry it was so short again, I didn't want to condense too much info in one chapter!**


	3. The Clown's Anguish

**Chapter 3 is out my lovelies! Please enjoy!:D Oh man, I'm so excited. The new chapter is out in 7 days! OwO!**

Allen's whole world fell out from under him. Everything that he thought he knew to be an absolute truth, was an absolute lie.

"That's…no. You are wrong! I know it! I have dreams about my parents abandoning every night! They hated me. They weren't murdered. I don't know why the hell I believed you in the first place. Hahahaha, joke's on me, right?" Allen began laughing hysterically. He was in denial. The child's voice faltered, as he spoke once more. "It was because of my arm! This fucking arm, I have no idea what's wrong with it. It's never been able to move, and it's just so…disgusting to look at! My entire life people have hated me because of it. My parent's included! They weren't murdered. I know it. Stop trying to mess with my head. And even if they were, it definitely wasn't Mana. He would never do that! He didn't even know me then. You're insane! You're just a figment of my imagination!"

Neah sighed. "If you think my brother is so amazing and selfless, please tell me, why are you locked inside a cage at the moment?" Allen smiled. "He wants to protect me from all the bad people in the world! He says my life will never be as bad as it was before we met, ever again. That's why!"

The elder man crouched, his eyes level with Allen's. "No it wasn't. Before I tell you why, I'm going to explain everything too you, first." Allen turned away from him. "What could you possibly explain to me? You're imaginary." Neah grinned. "No, I'm not. Let me just talk, alright?" The boy pouted. "Whatever."

The gruesome street they were on morphed once more. Alabaster walls, and floor shined, surrounding the two. Two obsidian thrones were in the middle of the room, scarring the areas seemingly perfect exterior. Just underneath the flooring though, were millions, upon millions of bones. Behind the walls were various body parts. Strangely enough though, Allen found the space to be quite relaxing. "Where are we?" Neah took a seat, and gestured to the one next to him. "At the moment, nowhere. Now let me speak." Allen nodded.

"First of all, you boy, are cursed. You have the power of one loved by God, but you carry the sins of humanity inside of you."

"Wha-"Allen started.

"Don't interrupt. What I mean is you are an exorcist. You are a destroyer. You purpose in life is too exorcise the Akuma, kill the Noah, and defeat the Millenium Earl. That arm of yours is called innocence. You have a parasitic type, and as far as I know, you are the only person to have ever been born with the innocence residing inside of you. It won't be able to move till you activate it, by the way. While you are an exorcist, you are also the very thing you are meant to kill. A Noah. The Noah, are meant to slaughter exorcists, and destroy innocence. Too some, they are evil. To you and I, they are family. I too am one of them, or I used to be. I'm dead. The Noah are born with superhuman abilities, and as such we are very tightly bound to each other since most choose not to interact with humans, as they are fragile and boring. Because of the innocence, and the Noah that are constantly battling within you, there is no way for you to ever be at peace. You were born too die basically. The Noah within you is not actually yours though. It's mine. My memories were implanted into you a long time ago. When you turn 16, the burden will become too great and I will erode your very being. I apologize in advance. I knew I was going to be killed, but I had too many things too accomplish too let that happen. You see, I betrayed my family. I murdered every last Noah except for two. The Earl, and Road Camelot." Neah's eyes revealed a twinge of sadness at the mention of Road's name. "You'll learn why later though. Anyways, right before I was killed, after many years of running, I gave my memories to Mana. I told him I'd come back, I swore. After my death Mana looked far and wide for a proper vessel. He went insane. That's where your parents come in. Mana had collapsed from hunger in the alleyways of London. Your father saw him, and immediately carried him back to your parent's small cottage. Mana woke up to your mother trying to feed him cabbage soup. He took it gratefully took it. Your mother left for a short while, and came back with a small baby in her arms. She introduced Mana too her son, who had yet to be named. The moment Mana saw your arm, he knew you were too be the next host. Anyone who could withstand being born with the innocence in them, could withstand a Noah's powers. Mana was invited to spend the night. Obviously,he did. While your parents were sleeping, he snuck into your room and implanted my memories into you. It was a simple process really. He merely had to touch your forehead, and say "Bare the sins of the unforgivable." If it was anyone else, their body would have eroded in an instant. But you were, and still are, strong. Your hair turned white, you began to scream, waking up your parents. They rushed to your room, and were horrified by the sight of Mana hurting their only child. Your mother grabbed you, and ran to the streets, followed by your father. They were screaming help, but nobody heard. Mana caught up too them easily enough. He only saw your parents as a hindrance to getting back his beloved brother, me. He killed them, with no mercy. After that, he took care of you till you were four. There was no way you would remember anything from that early in your life, and he didn't want you too, until the time was right. He then left you on the streets, closely keeping his eyes on you, making sure nothing too bad happened to you. Or rather, to me. When he met you at the circus that day, it was by no accident."

Allen couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. He didn't want to believe what Neah was saying. He was just a normal boy. He wasn't a Noah, he wasn't an exorcist. He was just, different. "You're wrong…I'm…I don't know what to believe. I was born to die? Mana is a murderer? That's..it has to be…a lie? And my parents…they loved me? What.." He fell to the ground. The pain in his heart was too much to bear. "What exactly am I?"

Neah stood up.

"A contradiction. A savior. A monster. The destroyer of time."

**And that's a wrap for this chapter! Please tell me if you like it or not, because I'm not too sure if it's worthy of you amazing readers:/ So ya, tell me if you like it, don't like it, what I can do to improve! You know, all that good stuff!:D Chapter 4 should be up very soon!**


	4. Innocence Activated

**I'm so sorry it took me so long to update! I had exams and crap to study for! Welp, enjoy!**

"D-Destroyer of time?"

Grey eyes flickered with curiosity. Neah bent over and put a comforting arm on his nephew's frail shoulder. A reassuring, yet cautious grin spread across the man's face. "Now is not the time to worry about such trivial things. We'll talk later. I'm growing weak, I need to rest." With one final smile Neah vanished, along with the white room the two were resting in.

The young silvette's eyes cracked open, to a scenery most unpleasant. He was back in the once seemingly cozy cage. All it was to him now was a prison. "Was that all…just a nightmare?" Allen stood up and looked at his surroundings. Allen's blind love for Mana didn't mask the truth of the conditions he was forced to live in this time. The bed Allen woke up upon could barely pass as such in even the shabbiest of inns. It was simply a heap of fabric laid on top of dung and straw. The stench of the hot manure within the bedding was almost painful to smell. Sitting in the corner opposite of the rats nest of a sleeping area, was the "toilet." In all actuality though, it was just a rusting pail that had a very old wooden chair with the seat kicked out on top of it. On the floor was an assortment of small rat and mice corpses in various stages of decomposition. The room reeked of death, and feces. "Mana always said he put me in here to protect me from all the evil people on the streets….but…this is the way is treated when they…are….trapped…?"

Just as Allen said that, the door into the room he was in slammed open.

"Allen!~ How is my favorite little clown doing on this fine night?~" Allen didn't know what to feel. The normal warm feeling he got when seeing his caretaker was gone. In its place was disgust. _Is he a murderer? Is….Is Mana only using me? _ Allen looked at the man he called father. The expression Mana carried on his lips said love, but the look in his cold yellow eyes had nothing but hate burning within them. _What is this feeling?_ Allen's pounding heart began to ache. Longing, sorrow, hate, and rage boiled inside of him. He began to see red. Nothing made sense. What is life worth if the one person you cared for despised you? What is the point of living when the reason you exist is to be taken over by another being? An explosive pain ached in Allen's paralyzed arm. He looked over, the madness inside of him dulling for a moment because of the distraction. In the blink of an eye, his scaly red arm turned pure white, just like his hair, it grew spiky, and elongated to about 6 feet in length. A green flame flared at his shoulder. "What the…?" Horror struck Allen when he looked over to see Mana staring at him, an axe in his hand. _When did he get that?_

"Hey Allen. I need to get rid of that, ok?" Mana's face twisted into a demonic grin. He ran forward, axe in tow. "That arm of yours will ruin everything!"

**And that's a wrap! I'm sorry for the shortness of this chapter, but the next one will be much longer, and much more exciting!**


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